im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
