I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
