the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
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well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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