Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
