On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
