I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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