I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
