He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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