I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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