I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
