You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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