everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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