Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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