I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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