Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
