70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
