I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
