My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
