Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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