Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
