god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Is Oprah even human
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
