how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
