Your face is a jimmy john
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
