so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
