I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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