Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Plan B is the new Plan A
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
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