Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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