A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
