Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize