thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
