i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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