I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
are you so shy because you have an std?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
