I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
