I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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