There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
