Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
