I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
