remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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