Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
