I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
