I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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