oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
