Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
