you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
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I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
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MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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