apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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