My Higher Power is John Stamos
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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