I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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