the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
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Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
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I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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