Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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