I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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