there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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