i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
