they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
it's great music for shaving your balls
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Blood and glitter go together right?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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