she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
