i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
