I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Ladies don't puke and tell
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
